I sit in my room watching the light of the candle flickering. That flame looks so certain, confident, safe, and I think to myself, what is she doing that I can't do? I look at my reflection in the mirror; I look so dubious, insecure. I want to have the ability to feel confident; I want to be confident. I look at the door; I want to run.
I sit on my bed looking at the flame flickering and I look at him laying on the bed sleeping soundly, smiling peacefully, and I think to myself I can't leave him. He couldn't fend for himself if I leave him now; he needs me.
I sit on my bed looking at the light tears streaming down my face and I decide to push the fear aside. I may not be certain; I may not feel brave but I have him and he has me. We are each other's worlds. He'll be my strength.
I sit in my room and I feel the light of a new day creeping through the windows. I blow the candle out and I let the light feel the room. I let the light warm my soul; I let myself be strengthened. I pick him up, and as I cradle him in my arms I remember my mom whispering Munsch's poem in my ear:
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."
And I whisper in his ear, the way she did in mine and I let myself find strength in his smile.